Connect to regulate
Co-regulation, or the process of being soothed and managing distress through the presence and connection of another person, is typically associated with children. Caregivers display co-regulatory actions daily as children gradually move from being dependent on their caregivers during infancy, to working through emotional regulation as toddlers, to eventually being able to “self soothe” as young adults.
Even with the development of these self-soothing skills, we can all think of situations when we needed someone else’s presence and help to regulate. As temper tantrums are no longer an option post-toddlerhood, more socially acceptable displays of dysregulation develop, whether that be physical dysregulation leading to “hanger” or snapping at your partner after a long day. We eventually regulate by stabilizing our blood sugar or apologizing for our behavior. When we neglect our internal feelings of dysregulation (i.e. chronic sympathetic nervous system activation, i.e. being stuck in “fight or flight” response), temper tantrums can be replaced with maladaptive methods of adult “self soothing.” Behaviors such as drinking, smoking, binge watching T.V., or gorging on junk food are some common ways we attempt to “regulate” our stress. BUT, what if we went back to the basic method we relied on as children?
Instead of masking resentment, frustration, sadness, fear, etc. until our emotional storage reaches full capacity, we can utilize the power of co-regulation to calm the nervous system and return to “safety.” Humans are wired to rely on connection and community; however, in today’s distracted world, it can be difficult to find the meaningful presence needed to foster deeper connections. Think about a time you talked with someone who displayed full attention and genuine interest in what you had to say. Whether that be a friend, family member, or even an acquaintance - our “fight or flight” activation is intuitively disarmed through meaningful interaction.
I believe we all innately have the ability to develop this modern superpower through self-awareness and practice. The power of co-regulation goes far beyond counseling or parenting. We can show up as better, more vastly connected leaders, workers, friends, colleagues, and so on. As The Institute for Integrative Nutrition states, “co-regulation is a mutual process where two people can utilize their relationship to either calm or stimulate each other.” Complete physical and mental presence, active listening, and genuine care/curiosity are foundational skills in mastering the calming presence required to be a co-regulator. Neuroscientist, Dr. Caroline Leaf states, “as you co-regulate with someone, the mirror neurons in their brain are activated, and this enables the person in the deregulated state to literally ‘mirror’ your calmness.” Similar to when you watch a child fall on the playground, the surrounding adults are empathetic yet calm so the child knows they are in fact okay. The same strategy proves just as useful in adults!
We are not meant to take on this world alone and co-regulation serves a purpose far beyond childhood development or a one-off conversation. Meaningful interaction benefits not only the giver and receiver, but creates a positive ripple effect throughout families, communities, work places, and even the world.
